Jokes

1. My children are trying to master the art of riding a bicycle. Unfortunately, it's wheelie hard for them.
2. Did you hear the international tongue-twister champion got arrested? I hear they're gonna give him a very tough sentence.
3. Why did the cows go to Broadway? They went to see the MOOsicals!
4. Why should you avoid romantic relationships with tennis players? Because Love means zero to them.
5. What did the announcer say when the hot dog finished the race first? We have a wiener!
6. What did the grape say when it was accidentally stepped on at the vineyard? Not much aside from a little whine.
7. Can you guess what Beethoven's favorite fruit was? Ba-na-na-naa!
8. What do you do to make a tissue dance? Just put a little boogie in it!
9. What do you call the notion of saying the same thing over and over yet expecting different results? Parenting.
10. Have you heard that rumor about butter? I was told not to spread it.
11. Did you hear about the wedding between the two antennas? The ceremony was okay, but the reception was great.
12. Where do boats turn to when feeling under the weather? The dock!
13. What is a cat's favorite place to visit on the weekend? The meow-seum!
14. How come the orange didn't finish the race? It ran out of juice.
15. What did one Nintendo gamer say to the other after their game ended? I want a Wii-match!
16. What is a kitten's favorite dessert? A mice cream cone.
17. You're going to have to wait to hear my construction joke. It's still a work in progress.
18. How does a penguin put together a house? Igloos it together.
19. Why can't a bike stand straight up? It's two tired.
20. Don't buy anything with velcro on it. I hear it's a major rip-off.
21. How come the police officer smells so bad? He is on active duty.
22. Making a belt out of wrist watches would simply be a waist of my time.
23. Have you been to the new outlet shop called Karma? They only offer what you deserve.
24. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
25. How did the egg feel when getting dropped over the stove? Scrambled.
26. Why did everyone cheer for the pickle? Because it was kind of a big dill.
27. I tried to use "beef stew" as my password, but it simply wasn't stroganoff.
28. Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days? Because the rest are weekdays.
29. Why does the picture insist it was innocent of any wrongdoing? Because it believes it was framed.
30. When I asked the roofer how much the shingles were going to cost, he told me not to worry because they were on the house.
31. The butcher accidentally handed me the wrong cut of beef at the grocery. From the looks of it, I think it was a mis-steak.
32. The wedding between the two lighters was really beautiful. I heard they met on match.com.
33. I'm seriously considering dropping out of my acting class. There is simply too much drama.
34. What is an artist’s favorite brand of shoe? Sketchers!
35. I feel sorry for our poor kitchen counter. It's always being taken for granite.
36. We took our cat to the vet today. She seemed quite ill at the time, but now she's feline fine.
37. We bought a kitchen table set on clearance at the local furniture store. The deal was so good it almost felt like chairity!
38. The technician just installed our new air conditioning unit. I have to admit, it's pretty cool.
39. My friend was speechless after bowling a strike. Apparently, he had nothing to spare.
40. Did you hear about the coffee that submitted a police report down at the station? It's claiming it got mugged.
41. Why are there puddles on the basketball court? Because people keep dribbling on it.
42. You should steer clear of talking about magnets. As attractive as it may seem, it's actually a very polarizing subject.
43. Why did the bowling pins refuse to stand back up? Because they were on strike.
44. Why couldn't the polar bear open his soda cap? Because the seal was putting up a fight!
45. Why was the turtle feeling sad? Because it felt like a shell of its old self.
46. We're in need of a lumberjack to clear some trees in our backyard. If you know one, we wood definitely like to meet them.
47. What is a duck's favorite midnight snack? A quacker!
48. What did Romaine say as the chef put it on the chopping board? "Lettuce pray."
49. Why did the hot dog lose the race to mustard? Because the hot dog couldn't ketchup.
50. What is a dog's favorite part of building a house? Putting on the woof!
51. How do you refer to a deer with no eyes? No idea.
52. Our family has adopted a tropical food diet. I've got to say, it's enough to make a mango crazy.
53. What did one molecule say to the other molecule? Be good because I have my ion you.
54. Did you hear how the chicken escaped the fox? The chicken's timing was impeccable.
55. A wise golfer always packs an extra pair of socks. You know, in case they get get a hole in one.
56. What did the peanut say when running after the almond? I'm going to cashew!
57. The toilet down at the police station has gone missing. Officers currently have nothing to go on.
58. That guy just nailed me in the back of the head with a block of butter. How dairy!
59. Why does the balloon keep drifting closer to the knife set? It wants to be a pop star!
60. I tried to Google "how to start a campfire" online. Google then gave me over 25,000 matches.
61. My friend was shivering so I suggested they go stand in the corner of the room. It's usually about 90 degrees over there.
62. Historians typically refer to the middle ages as a dark time for humanity. Perhaps it was due to all the knights.
63. Never underestimate the severity of getting a bladder infection. If you get one, urine serious pain.
64. What always happens when the family of watches eat dinner? They go back four seconds!
65. What does a dog do when it loses it’s tail? It pays a visit to the local retail store!
66. Did you hear why the noun and the verb broke up? I heard the noun was being way too possessive.
67. There was a time in my life when I was deathly afraid of hurdles. Thankfully, I got over it.
68. Never trust a garbage man won't talk behind your back. I just heard one at the end of my driveway talking trash.
69. Why are skeletons so bad at telling lies? Because you can see right through them!
70. Have you ever tried to install a muffler on a car? It will really exhaust you.
71. Learning sign language was one of the best decisions of my life. It is extremely handy to know.
72. The thought of having my hair cut is extremely troubling. I'm just so attached to it!
73. I can see why people don't trust staircases. I mean, they're always up to something.
74. What if the world no longer allowed us to eat Italian food? We cannoli imagine, right?
75. Anyone can become an expert on braille. You just have to get a feel for it first.
76. When is the best time of the year to jump on a trampoline? In the spring!
77. How come you never see towels doing stand-up comedy? Because their sense of humor is dry.
78. Where do pencils prefer traveling to on vacation? Pennsylvania!
79. Why do blankets make such terrific insurance agents? Because they always have you covered no matter what.
80. Have you ever tried to capture fog? I have, but I always mist!
81. Why do football coaches hate vending machines? Because they fear the machines won't give them their quarter back.
82. When it comes to a numerator and a denominator, just note there is a fine line.
83. Why are math books the saddest books in the library? Because they are full of problems!
84. What is Taylor Swift’s favorite washer setting? Delicate.
85. Personally, I'd go with option one over two, but only a fraction of folks will understand that logic.
86. What do gingerbread use to bundle up on cold nights? Cookie sheets!
87. Have you heard the joke about leeches? I hope not because it sucks.
88. What do you call a nun who is out of cell phone range? A roamin' Catholic!
89. What does it take to produce holy water? You have to boil the hell out of it!
90. How does Jesus like making his tea? Very simple. Hebrews it!
91. Marriage is all about three rings: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
92. Why did the tomato turn bright red? It caught a glimpse of the salad dressing!
93. Puns about insects are so annoying. They really bug me a lot!
94. What if clocks could talk? That would be truly alarming if they did!
95. Why are arms the most loyal part of the body? Because they are always by your side!
96. That old lamp we hate finally broke. We are now very de-lighted!
97. Did you hear about the thief who stole a wall calendar? He got 12 whole months!
98. How would I describe the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
99. I can only remember 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
100. Did you hear about the guy who sued the airline after it misplaced his baggage? Unfortunately, the guy lost his case!
101. Hitting all the buttons for no reason in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
102. People were incredibly emotional at the wedding. We even saw the cake in tiers!
103. What do you call someone once fluent in two languages, but beginning to lose fluency in one of them? Byelingual!
104. What did the critic say to the person who invented the number zero? Thanks for nothing!
105. Why do hot dogs fly south during the winter time? So they avoid freezing their buns off!
106. Why do cheerleaders make the best ghost hunters? Because they have a way of bringing out spirit!
107. Why were the shoes not able to move out of the closet? Because they were all tied up!
108. What's the best way to communicate with a fish? Simply drop it a line!
109. Why don't crabs like to share their food? Because they are shellfish!
110. Puns about poop aren't exactly my favorite, but I will admit they are a solid number two.
111. What do you call a cow shivering from the cold? Beef jerky!
112. Besides water, what is a plant's favorite beverage to sip on? Root beer!
113. The neighbor's kid just hit a ball through our window. It's a real pane in the glass to replace.
114. What is the best way to get in contact with a turtle? Give its shell phone a ring!
115. I accidentally fell asleep with my reading glasses on last night. Recalling my dreams has never been so clear.
116. There was a kidnapping at the playground this morning. No need to worry, though, because we woke him up around lunchtime!
117. What do you call a turtle who takes pictures for a living? A snapping turtle!
118. My bike has a tendency of going super fast down neighborhood streets. It's one vicious cycle.
119. Why does the Kool-Aid man bust through walls so easily? Because he's made of punch!
120. Did you hear about the measuring tapes at the home improvement store? Apparently, they're not making them any longer.
121. How did the person fend off an attack from a mob of clowns? They went for the jugular!
122. My life has really changed since getting this neck brace last year. I haven't looked back since.
123. Never buy a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. You'll be tripping all day if you do.
124. How can you burn 2,000 calories in two hours? Leave a batch of cookies in the oven.
125. So much for child proofing the house. As much prepping as I did, they still find a way in every time.
126. I wouldn't recommend visiting the space and air museum. When I went last week, there was literally nothing there!
127. There is a movement to ban pre-packaged, pre-shredded cheese in this country. The supporters want to make America grate again.
128. Why was the cornstalk so upset with the farmer? Because the farmer was always picking on it!
129. I accidentally bought a pair of two left-handed gloves today. On one hand, they fit okay, but on the other, it's just not right!
130. My wife asked for her chapstick and I accidentally gave her a glue stick instead. Needless to say, she hasn't talked to me since.
131. Why is justice a dish best served cold? Because if it were served warm, it would be just water!
132. People used to laugh at me as a child when I told them I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up. Well, now I'm grown and nobody is laughing now!
133. Have you seen that show about beavers? It's the best dam program on air right now.
134. Someone asked me today if I got a haircut. I told them "no" and that I had them all cut!
135. Why did the scarecrow receive an award? Because he was head and shoulders above the rest of the field!
136. There's no denying that light travels faster than the speed of sound. I guess this is why some people appear bright until you hear them talk.
137. Why did the skeleton decide not to go trick-or-treating? Because he had no body to go with!
138. We live in a world where you can get a sandwich delivered to your house quicker than an ambulance.
139. What do diapers and politicians have in common? They both should be changed frequently and for the same reason.
140. Sure, the early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese!
141. Cashier: "Would you like your milk in a bag?" Me: "No, just keep it in the carton!"
142. My buddy wants me to go to the gun range with him this weekend. I've never been, but I think I'll give it a shot!
143. Why are leopards the worst at playing hide-and-seek? Because they are always spotted!
144. What did I like most about visiting Switzerland? For starters, the flag is a huge plus!
145. I would hate to work at a calendar factory. I hear those people never get a day off.
146. This book I'm reading about anti-gravity is so good. I can't keep it down.
147. How does a detective solve a cold case? Keep under cover!
148. Someone finally explained the word "many" to me today. And that means so much.